Tips to Help You Care for Aging Parents
by Dan Emerson
As the number of older adults in the United States grows, so does the number of
adult children caring for aging parents. More than 6 million seniors require help
with such basic activities as getting out of bed, dressing, cleaning, cooking and
handling finances. An estimated 5 million Americans spend some time caring for an
aging parent, a figure that is projected to double within the next 20 years.
When Connie Rosso's 77-year-old mother, Bette, was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease,
Rosso was able to find a care facility near her home in Minnetonka, Minn. Ross met
the center's director, toured the facilities, and observed the residents' living
conditions. After conferring with her siblings, Rosso admitted her mother to the
care center. "It's a traumatic decision," Rosso says. But she knew her mother's
Alzheimer's would become progressively worse. Rosso visited her often to provide
emotional support.
Here are some tips to ease the complicated process of caring for aging parents or
other relatives.
Pay Attention
How can you tell when your parents are no longer able to live on their own? Their
ability to perform basic activities of daily living is a key indicator, says Trudy
Lieberman, author of Consumer Reports' Complete Guide to Health Services for Seniors.
"If they're having trouble with personal hygiene, dressing, preparing meals, shopping
- those kinds of things can be telltale signs that maybe you need to think about
some type of assistance. That doesn't necessarily mean they can't continue to live
on their own; it means they need some kind of help."
Plan Ahead
Avoid waiting until your parents' health has deteriorated to consider the available
options. "Long-term planning needs to happen long before you need to place someone
in a nursing home," says Donna Schempp, a clinical supervisor with the Family Caregiver
Alliance. "Adult children or their parents have to start a conversation with each
other about preferences and their financial situation."
Hold a Family Conference
Before making any care decision, include as many members of the immediate family
as possible, including the person involved, "whether they're going to be an active
participant in this move or not," Lieberman notes. "Sometimes, decisions have to
be made that are not what the person wants. People generally don't want to leave
their homes."
In making decisions, "you want all the family members to be on board as much as
possible - because you're going to need support and help, especially in regard to
guilt issues. Everyone who places an aging relative in a facility has some level
of guilt," Schempp says.
Respect Your Parents' Wishes
Throughout this process, it's important to respect your parents' wishes and their
desire to live independently as long as possible. "Whenever your relatives are cognitively
'with it,' they should be brought into any decision-making process," Lieberman says.
"They should be able to express where they want to go."
Talk About Finances
Talk with parents about finances. Find out if they have savings accounts, medical
insurance, or supplemental insurance that covers expenses not provided for under
Medicare. Ask your parents about an updated will to avoid estate problems after
their death.
Ask an attorney to draw up a durable power of attorney for finances, which allows
a designated person to make legally binding decisions should parents become incapacitated.
Also talk to your attorney about an advanced directive, sometimes called a living
will. The document defines your parents' wishes regarding medical care and names
someone to make care decisions should they become unable to do so.
Conduct a Home Safety Evaluation
If you're caring for aging parents at home, Schempp recommends having either a physical
therapist or occupational therapist come to the home and evaluate it. Simple but
effective measures include installing bathroom grab bars, putting higher-watt light
bulbs in light fixtures to brighten rooms, and using double-sided tape to anchor
area rugs.
You can also replace doorknobs with levers that are easier to open. And you may
need to add railings and a ramp at the front entrance and widen doors so a wheelchair
or walker can pass through. In the bathroom and kitchen, install faucets with levers
so there's no knob to twist. You can also convert a room on the first floor into
a bedroom.
Ask Questions
Before deciding whether to place an aging relative in a nursing home or other facility,
ask a lot of questions, Lieberman advises. A useful source of information on nursing
facilities is the state-by-state quality assessment survey of nursing homes published
by the federal Health Care Finance Administration. Every certified nursing facility
is required to post its survey results. "Unfortunately, our research shows that
sometimes nursing homes try to hide the survey results or otherwise make them not
available," Lieberman says. "Look for it, read it, and ask questions; it can tell
you a lot about a facility."
Consider Nonprofessional Help
Volunteers can meet many of the needs of elderly people. They can visit, prepare
meals, clean, do yard work, or five rides to medical appointments or to the local
supermarket. Church groups or other community service organizations, such as Meals
on Wheels, are often a good source of volunteer assistance.
Take Care of Yourself
Caring for aging parents can be both a difficult challenge and a rewarding experience,
strengthening family bonds. But it's stressful. Emotions such as anger, guilt, grief
and anxiety are normal. Don't forget to also take care of yourself. "Caregivers
often let their own health deteriorate or their stress level becomes high," Lieberman
advises. "When it's appropriate, ask for help or accept help when it's offered by
friends or people in the church or community. Or hire help."
(These comments originally appeared in the Summer 2001 issue of Family Safety &
Health.)
